Day 3,4,5,6 I'm not sure how many really! And the lovely realization that I'm not doing this alone.

So I've cleared my first major hurdle.

Weekends.

They never cease to be my downfall....except well this weekend...they did.

Weekends are so difficult for me. Weekends and evenings really. Basically any time I'm at home for long periods of time.

Normal Friday evenings consist of my leaving work with great intentions, getting home and flopping on the couch and watching my intentions up and leave, running out the door throwing a pizza delivery menu on the table as they fly by me.

It was so easy to give in. And then afterwards I would stew in my feelings of guilt and regret wondering was I just going to look and feel like this forever. It was so hard to resist this weekend but my god did I feel incredible after it. And what was even better was my boyfriend noticing the "little things" and congratulating me for them.

When I lost weight the first time I was determined and I did almost get there, for a time and I did it without the support of my family. They thought they were supporting and my dad tried really hard but there's too much history there and the tempers continued (when I say "the" I mean "mine") to flair. The subject was just too touchy. As for the other family members...well my sister insisted on eating all of my own food that I bought specifically and my mothers suddenly started offering me sweets left right and center, a saboteur to the bone.

Everything is different this time around. I don't live at home for one so my food is my food and also my boyfriend wants whats best for me and unlike my dad there's no touchy subjects there. I feel completely supported and he was incredible this weekend.

On Saturday night we had a few *ahem ahem* drinks with friends and had a great night and wandered home quite late. Now I know technically, I shouldn't be drinking if possible but I had to give myself something. So anyway I woke up Sunday nursing a lovely hangover and nursing some not so lovely cravings for a great dirty cheeseburger. After collecting our thoughts and meeting up with friends for a bit Paul begged to be brought to Mc D's for a greasy double cheesy, exactly what I was craving. I agreed and steeled myself the whole way there. I was starving. We had gone to a friends to recover for a bit and I planned being home earlier so I hadn't brought food with me. I resisted the girls attempts to fill me with toast and sandwiches and then sat in the car with my stomach growling teetering between excuses to eat a burger and the imminent guilty feelings I knew to expect if I gave in.

Technically my diet allowed for a burger every now and then. It would have meant going carbfree for the rest of the day but I could do that!And I mean a burger is protein right?Just one last time! I battled all these thoughts the whole way down until the voice I acquire with this diet said "Seriously are you going to put that shitty, processed crap into your system?" and I answered quite simply "no". So I pulled up and I ordered 2 Double cheeseburgers for my greedy worm boyfriend (who is a healthy weight for his height and can afford the odd burger) and a coke for him and...nothing for myself. The instant I did it I felt a swell of pride. This was only bolstered by my boyfriends shocked response. I did not expect any congrats or pats on the back. I'm used to this being my own personal battle, as it should be, and was shocked when my boyfriend asked "Did you just drive through the drive through and not order anything for yourself?" which I had of course. What left his mouth next was something I hadn't really heard before. "Baby I'm so proud of you!". It felt so good to hear. He knew I could have had a burger without any pounds piling on but he was proud of me for not eating the  bad stuff and he acknowledged how hard it must have been for me to do it. I was glowing after it. Not only did I feel proud and in control myself, my boyfriend was showing he actually understood what I was going through.

The icing on the cake was when he turned to me last night as we recuperated on the couch and said "congratulations you did it!" I wasn't sure what I had "done" until I asked to which he replied "you got through the whole weekend and stuck to your diet" for the second time that day he surprised me and I'm sure he will continue to as long as we're together and I went to sleep last night knowing that I could do it this time because I had his support. Real, unbiased, loving support from someone who doesn't care if I loose weight, stay the same or gain a few more pounds as long as I am happy.

I finally have someone who loves me just they way I am no if's or buts and I think that is the difference between my success and failure. I guess I will have to get used to the fact that I am not on my own any more!!

Day 2

So I started today proper proper with a lovely bowl of fruit and it's been a great day so far.

I forgot how good this diet made me feel straight away. It's not even just physically. Honestly I am crashing after only two days without sugar and I am just so tired and stuff that it would be great to quit but mentally the way I feel is worth it all ready. I am looking forward to my weigh in next monday. Looking forward. Happy, excited, all the other adjectives to describe something that is good and imminent.

I cannot wait to step on the scales and see the results. I cannot wait to tell my boyfriend and see his happy face. And it is the best feeling in the world knowing I'll step on and see a difference. It might be a pound or two or it might be more but I know for certain I will be a little lighter and thats all that matters.

The main thing I find with this diet and the most important thing is that I  suddenly and inexplicably have iron will power. The exact same thing happened the last time and lasted until my little mental breakdown which I feel is less likely to happen this time. Hopefully. It is mainly, I think, because my body is getting the good stuff it needs and I also am not feeling like I am missing out on anything. Except the sugar of course. 

I'm not going to lie, things, like the cookies in the lunch room, still look good, however I just know it's not worth it. Not worth starting my sugar detox all over again. Not worth seeing another pound on that scale.

Today I feel like I can conquer anything. I feel like you could put a mountain of chocolate caramel covered pancakes and tell me I could eat the whole lot and I'd just say no, thanks I'll stick with my fruit!

So all is good in my world today!

Until tomorrow!

Beginning again. Again.

Again Again.

This time last year I was four stone lighter and in a very bad place in my life.

I have never been a small girl. Ever. I am not only tall at 5 ft 10 but I am also very overweight at the moment and always have been!

It took a long, long, long long time for me to come to terms with my "bod-ay" and at 23 I feel I am only beginning to fit it and I'm sure it will change again and I'll have re-learn to love it but I'm certainly better off now than I was a year ago even though I am now 18 stone again!

I started my weight loss journey when I was about twelve and I realized I wasn't like all the other girls!

Now I don't mean I started dieting then but that was when my battle with food began and I will battle my whole life with it in some way or another I fear. But I've come to terms with this.

About a year and a half ago maybe two years actually, I decided I couldn't do it any more and on a whim contacted a local weight loss clinic.

I sat in my first consultation and I felt so full of hope and when I started my programme and the weight started to fall off.

I was so buoyed and happy. I lost weight, I gained energy and confidence and I had never felt better about myself. Until something dawned on me. Loosing weight didn't solve all my problems.

My whole life I thought all my problems stemmed from one thing, being fat. I lost weight and I realised I would still have the same problems when I was thin I would just have removed a few. Now of course I can see that eliminating even one problem is worth it and then when the weight is under control I can focus on the others.

I lost and lost until this sad fact hit me, my weight wasn't the root of all problems and I just hit a road block. I didn't loose any weight, I began eating badly again, I fell in with a bad group of people and eventually turned to bulimia in order to maintain my weight.

My life was quickly spiraling out of control and I had never been so unhappy. however I was one of the lucky ones. I had two people who I now owe my life too and I am not over dramatizing this. I have no doubt that if I had kept going the way I was going I probably wouldn't be here today and if I was I would have been a very sick person.

Two of these people are my best friends and the other is my wonderful boyfriend.

I had friends who were brave enough to shake me out of my spiral and tell me in no uncertain terms that they loved me too much to watch me destroy myself like this.

If it wasn't for them things could have taken a much more sinister turn.

The third person, my boyfriend, is my inspiration to begin again!

I've known him for a long time but only gave him the chance to show how wonderful he is a few months ago, nine months since sunday actually.

He is the most special person I've ever met and he supports me one hundred per cent, fat or skinny he loves me and  that is something I never understood before. He's in it for me and he wants all of me.

Between wonderful friends and the most incredible boyfriend I could ever have wished for I am a very different person to the one I was this time last year.

One thing has not changed, I am still unhappy at the weight I am purely for my own health reasons. The one thing that worked for me was the diet I was on in the clinic which was a very balanced nutritious diet that incorporated all the important food groups and which made me feel wonderful inside and out!

So today I began again...for the millionth time and hopefully the last.

I started this blog as a way to record both my weight and my feelings and probably a few recipes along the way, as I potter along!