Things never go to plan do they?

I am going to stop making plans for anything other than the day I am currently living.

What's the saying "While you make plans God's laughing"? Well someone is definitely laughing.

You know how I was planning my super exciting week last week with all my days off etc. Well of course that didn't happen. Oh no. I went out last week to the kids I mind only to discover that the two kids were sick with an awful tummy bug and guess what? By day two I had caught it. I ended up leaving an hour early and I was sick until Thursday and then on Thursday night, Paul (my boyfriend) got sick. Yep. Three days later and we wre barely over it as a house. Every. Single. Plan. Was. Laid. To. Waste.

So I started this week fresh and basically was just wrecked the whole time. Kids are tiring! So today I am fresh and fighting fit! I've been up since seven cleaning and organising (and watching Alphas) and I'm currently sitting here trying to decide what type of scone to bake. I'm leaning towards peanut butter and chocolate because...well because chocolate and peanut butter...no other because needed.

I am in Heaven. 

I sent my boyf off to college this morning and he was checking would I be alright etc. Honestly. I couldn't wait to get him out the door. I have the house to myself. To do whatever I want. To clean and organise without him trailing around behind me making it messy again. I might even play his playstation. Of course as always happens in the week following a sickness I also have a tonne of jobs to do and a to do list on my ipod as long as my leg. I need to go to the post office, buy kitty litter, go to my parents house, paint furniture, buy paint brushes, tax the car, collect my parking permit...shall I continue? I don't think theres a need. My biggest fear is that I won't make good use of my days. I'm used to not having time and squishing everything in and now I have loads. It's kind of scary.

Maybe an overreaction.

But maybe you get my point. It's like letting a kid into a toy store and saying you can choose any one item that you want now go. Theres just so much to choose from I can't pick any one thing. My brain is going five million miles a minute here with all the things I can do.

So I suppose I should just start right?
Instead of sitting here blogging.

I'm going to go bake my scones get rid of all the boring jobs and then....then I am going to the charity warehouse near our house to buy some new furniture. Talk about child in a toy store..I may just die from happiness. It's normally closed when I'm off!!!

Big woop for life changes!

To an unscheduled life!

TODAY IS THE DAY!!!

Today.is.my.last.day.in.the.office.

TODAY IS MY LAST DAY IN THE OFFICE!

TODAY IS MY LAST DAY IN THE OFFICE!!!

I'm so excited...and I just can't hide it...and yes I am listening to The Pointer Sisters right now!

Never in my life has there been a more appropriate time.

My life literally starts today! Well it starts officially at half five I suppose!

I have instructed my boyfriend to be outside at 5:30 because I will not be able to wait to share my absolute elation with him!!!

I will have to hold off doing an insane little dance till we get down the street a little because this year may have been awful but I am not so rude as to show how excited I am never to see this place again!

Of course I can't celebrate fully tonight as I am in fact working in my new job tomorrow! Minding the babógs (babies for those irishly challenged), so tonight I will be frequenting my favorite Indian with my boy and two of our friends and going for a drink or two. Tomorrow night however I intend on partying like it is 1999, a year in which I would have been nine, which I feel is actually appropriate because I feel like I will have the excitement level of a child at Christmas!

On a complete aside can I just mention how much I am Loving , with a capital L, Meghan Trainors "All about that Bass". Loving celebrating us Size Queens!

So back on track, today is the last day of my awful job and I couldn't be more excited. Leaving work will never be so awesome ever again. Until then I am going to get the place ready for the next poor soul and then do the minimum amount of work I possibly can to make up for all those days I left ages after close of business!!!!



To new beginnings!

Does anyone out there love rainy days?

Cause I love rainy days!

You'd think that living in Ireland I would be sick and tired of the rain and I can't deny that there are days when I wake up and look and see rain..again...and again and again and I just want to scream but I do love particular types of rainy days!

You know lovely winter Sundays when you have nothing to do but ramble around your house in your cosy pyjamas, with a big warm scarf and a cosy cup of tea and look at the rain outside your window. I love those days oh so much.

I'm sitting in the office (my second last day here as it happens, tomorrow at 5:30 will be one of the best days of my life!) looking out the window and it is getting overcast and unlike the many people out there who are probably praying the rain away I'm hoping it will arrive! I want it to rain before I leave work. I want to get soaked walking home and jump straight into a hot shower when I get in the door. I want to get out and jump straight into my pyjamas and curl up in bed with my boyfriend and binge watch "Law and Order: SVU".

God I love the winter.

So alot has changed in my life in the last few weeks. It's all about to change even more now. All exciting changes and all good. My two best friends are pregnant! I'm so excited for them! Soon we'll have two little tiny babies for me to dote over and the girls are going to be wonderful mothers!

But with this brings a lot of changes. Gone are our wild nights out and hungover days watching movies. My girly nights now are going to consist of ice cream and movies and early nights but I'm ok with that. It does mean however that I am going to be at a loose end when it comes to blowing off a little steam away from the boyf and I don't think this is a bad thing either. Drinks with the girls was always a nice way to unwind but it's probably not the healthiest way to do it.

Leaving my awful, soul sucking, hellish  lovely job is literally going to open up a world of possibilities to me. I am leaving my full time "cushy" office job as a receptionist to become a part time childminder/furniture restorer. Everyone in my life thinks I am insane. I'm fairly certain my parents want to catch me and shake me till my silly "ideals" fall out of my head but in fairness they were the ones who encouraged me to do what made me happy. They just thought that what made me happy would mean teaching like my mother. What a rude awakening they received.

But I will show them all!

First and foremost my new career move has opened up more time for me. I have, for all my life been working or in school or in college as have most people, however for me. growing up on a farm there was no such thing as "free time". If I wasn't busy, or I didn't have plans then I was working. It didn't leave a lot of me time.

When I left for college I had more time but there was always an assignment to do or a class to attend or even just some social event of some sort that took up my time and I didn't pursue my hobbies half as much as I'd have liked too. I went straight into full time work as soon as I finished college and lets just say my time management is not the best and I'm usually being dragged between cleaning, cooking, shopping, family, friends, gym and my boyfriend. Again not leaving much time for me. So to tie everything back together and prove I am not just rambling aimlessly my new job means tha I will have a two day week every second week and a four day week every other. That gives me alot of time off. I've been dreaming about it these last few weeks in the office. And this is indefinitely as well. But as I dreamed something has dawned on me. I don't really know what to do with my time.

Well that's not true, I have six million things to do with my time my pinterest boards alone will attest to that but I guess I';m just not used to having so much alone time free to fill with whatever I want and not what I'm obliged to do. And in thinking about this I realised how very little time I have to myself to blow off steam and to unwind. In living and working with my boyfriend (in our furniture business) I am very rarely alone. Like entirely alone. Without interruption.

My idea of unwinding is going to meet the girls but as I mentioned they won't be at my constant disposal anymore because they've got their own busy lives to handle.

It has begun to dawn on me that for the first time in my life I have time.

Time to pursue all the projects, hobbies and plans I've put aside for "Next week" for the last few years. And not only that but I'll also have money.

Good lord. I've hit the jackpot.

And I am so excited. My brain may just implode.

Which would be a shame, I'd miss all my lovely time!!!

I have millions of plans and the top of my list is to become good at managing this free time because I'm afraid it will come upon me and I will just spin in a circle like a miserable little headless chicken never fully committing to one project or plan because I'll be trying to do them all at one time!

And I want to make something of this blog.

I like writing, I wouldn't have a degree in English and History if I didn't!

So I'd like to pick a major project each week and try to document my life change here.

I'm going from having my life dictated by those around me to becoming the master of my own destiny for the first time ever and it is the most exciting thing that has ever happened to me.

I want a record of this time. I want to look back at sixty and say I did that. I learned how to give myself time, I stopped putting the things that give me pleasure in life on the long finger and I just did them. I feel brave at the moment, terrified of the big change deep down and daunted almost by all this unscheduled life, but over all I feel brave and excited. I feel like there will be bad weeks and good weeks but for the first time ever I am doing something that is for me.

So here's my question, given all the free time you've ever wanted what would you do?

No High Street, No New New Clothes, only New To Me Clothes for a YEAR!

I'm looking for a new challenge (not as if I don't have enough on my plate what with a new buisness, trying to loose weight, working, living etc.) and I am big into my charity shops and old clothes. My figure in particular suits the older style dresses. I have wardrobes full of them! Those lovely little collared, button down dresses with flared below the knee skirts just look so good on me and I have loads in different patterns, colours etc and I am always on the look out for them when I venture into thrift shops.

Now, as always for me, money is rarely flowing freely enough for me to buy the fancy clothes I love and pine for and I find most high street clothes uncomfertable, poorly fitting and quick to shrink or distort. So naturally I end up digging through bargin bins and sale racks and when they aren't available I found charity shops were great for a nice unusual piece etc. I admit to being a bit of a hipster but I am GOOD at thrifting! I love finding clothes that look hideous or outdated and turning them into something pretty and fashionable and I love nothing more than when someone compliments my clothes and I proudly tell them it was €3 euro! I am a scrouge at heart!

Now for the last few months, nay years, I've been mainly shopping in charity shops from birthdays to weddings to christmas day dinner I have been dressed predominently in "rescue clothes" as my boyfriend calls them. I love picking up a dress and knowing it had histroy and was loved and worn and now it gets to have a second life and do it all over again!It makes me love them a little more than the usual penneys clothes I live in the other half of the time.

It is just so satisfying searching through rails and rails of clothes and finally finding that piece of clothing that makes you squeel and makes your heart race!And to top it all off they rarely cost more than 6 or 7 euro!Now Waterford, where I'm from, has really started to embrace these little shops and we have quite a few wonderful treasure troves to be proud of. I am a regular customer in the 3 WASSA (Waterford Autism society) shops and I love nothing better than spending an hour rooting through their rails to come away with three new dresses, some shoes (I am not a shoe snob I will wear them!although I draw the line there..no underwear for me thanks!) and a nice little upcycling project all for under €25 euro!I have a few particular finds that I am so proud of..For example a 100% wool tweed blazer with a very in fashion leather collar made sometime in the 70s to 80s that I got for €3!!! THREE!!!I will attach a picture and I think it may just have been one of my all time favourite finds!

I've also got a penchant for velvet...(hides in shame) my friends laugh at me. I have a velvet sensor. If there is some velvet in a shop I will find it!And I will buy it...especially black velvet!I have *ahem* five...*ahem*..six...black velvet dresses with only the smallest differences!I cannot walk away from them. In fact I bought a new one yesterday...I have a problem. I cannot help it!But just in general I love velvet dresses and I have more than a few in other colours too.

Anyway long story short as I wandered around the shop yesterday I was thinking to myself how I could find an outfit for any occasion in a charity shop for under 20 quid!I was talking to one of the girls who was complimenting my lovely new chevron dress as we wandered around penneys and I just found it all so...boring.
Isn't it so pretty??

The thought crossed my mind that I'd be happy never to step into one of these shops again. And of course thats an exaggeration but myself and my boyfriend have vowed to live cheaper this year so we can travel more on the weekends and penneys is not as kind on your pocket as it seems so I've decided to try a No High street, No New Clothes Challenge for a year!

 I will have some basics, camis and one pair of jeans that I live in and replace whenever they wear out but aside from that I vow to shop only in vintage shops, charity shops more than the vintage but if I do find a dress I can't leave behind thats a bit more expensive than usual I will have to take it!Providing that it's new to me but not new new! I also do not plan to go this way for underwear as I pointed out above and I also think that this applies to gym wear and pyjamas but aside from these basics the rules are as follows:

1. No shopping in High street stores.
2. Clothes cannot be brand new (unless I'm lucky enough to find brand new in charity shops in which case I must have photographic proof of the item hanging in the charity shop!)
3. Clothes must be bought either online (I will provide links to verify their secondhandedness!) in thrift stores, second hand stores, charity shops or vintage shops!
4. I can alter or add to the clothes in any way I like!In fact I'd like to do more of this!
5. I can, if I really want wear my own handmade items!
6. Any items of clothes I already own that are not exactly Kosher can be worn but I cannot buy any new items and I must try to minimize these items!
7. I can (and most certainly will) buy new shoes but I will try to thrift most of them but I am a shoeaholic so I can not swear off them entirely!(Also I have big feet, size 8, so I often do not find these in charity shops!)
8. I must do this challenge from 03/08/2014 to the 03/08/15!

And thats that!

Here goes nothing!

Ups and Downs

This shit is tough.

No like unbearably tough but I have bad days. Days where I cry because I get tired. Tired of watching everything  I eat and feeling guilty if I don't work out for more than two days! I know that this is mainly because of my diet and that I really need to beat myself back into a routine but it's tough.

I know excuses, excuses right? But it is. I'm at a point in my life where I never have an excess of money. I know most people don't these days but week to week it is a struggle. I only have about 25 euro a week that I can spend on food ad my boyfriend pays 25 too so we have 50 in total but that has to be for both of us and he definitely does not eat all the same stuff as I have to. So with my meager budget I do the best I can but inevitably by the end of the week we'll have a night or two without proper dinners.

I try my best every week not to let it happen but it does.

We shop normally on tuesdays so I often end up with several bad days of eating at the end and it is ruining my diet. Any weight I lose during the week I put on at the weekend.

So I'm ahead in some ways. I know my problem. I have the same routine every week. I buy food tuesday evening and I eat well and I'm good till friday and I loose weight and then saturday comes and two things happen, or three. Firstly I drink. Normally once a weekend, sometimes twice and what is affordable? Beer! so thats what? Six gazillion calories? Empty ones at that! The drinking inevitably leads to hangovers (Why I can't understand?)  and hangover leads to cravings for CARBS!!! My very best friends! Carbs and sweets! And hangovers don't exactly breed the best moods for whipping up healthy meals and going for long walks. No they lead to me eating a bag of doritos and a jar of dip and sitting on the couch all day long! Oh ye and take aways happen too. God I need to learn to avoid these pitfalls!

The next big problem is my boyfriends mother! Now don't get me wrong! I love her! She's larger than life, funny, and a great cook. We go to her house every sunday (again usually hungover) and she plies us with masses of food! She will ply us with rasher sandwixhes before our butts hit the chair and then it's "Tea? Tea? would you like some tea?No? Well some coke then! Or a glass of milk?" and then of course we have to stay for dinner. Obviously. And I say ok...just a little cause it's always so damn tempting. Of course a little in her mind is enough to feed at least four people! And if you don't eat every last bit she's convinced you hated it!

The next thing to happen is dessert "sure you'll have some won't you?Just a little!You will! and my will power on those days is just not strong enough. And she just won't let you say no! Now I can hear people already shouting "Woah!No! She's a sabeteur and evil etc etc" as people are want to do on the interweb but she's just an Irish mammy and that is the long and short of it.

So I suppose others are also thinking well if you know your problems you know how to solve them. I suppose all excuses aside I can solve them. This weekend we have my dear Paulies birthday and I'm plannig a mahoosive surprise party for him! So that means drinks and cake and other such stuff but I will try my hardest to be disciplined and to drag myself out of the hangover slump and make some damned healthy food!

I need to stop thinking of the weekend as different and to start treating it like every other day when I work my butt off.

On the upside I am feeling fairly positive but then again it is wednesday and that is always one of my high motivation days! I busted my ass off while walking to work and I sweated buckets! I was very proud of myself!

I've got a very busy evening ahead of me. However last night, after the shop, I did something I always plan on doing but never actually do. I came home, took all the veg I'd bought and chopped it all up and put it in lunch boxes and threw it in the fridge! I then prepped my lunch last night for the first time in ages and now I have a lovely quesadilla for my lunch!Woop! I feel so organized and good! And then I beat my ass in the road this morning and I'm really feeling positive.

Lets hope it lasts!

Movtivation Wanted! Apply within!

Good god. I am so sick of this bouncing around. I went down so quick I gained so quick. I know that I will never get where I need to unless i stick with my goals.

I have to incorporate excercise into my routine. I cannot seem to make myself to get out of the chair and go to the gym, go to the pool, go for a walk!

I have had a bad few weeks. My boyfriend told me something really serious about two weeks ago and it's really hit me hard. Something quite awful happened to him around the time that we got together and I never knew. It explains alot about things we've argued about over the last year and it's going to take a long time to work through it. Honestly it's really upsetting me. I don't really know how to get over this but we will. It's also a really sensitive situation and it's going to be difficult to learn how to work with this but we'll get there.

However something good has also come from this. We discussed it and currently we live with several people in a lovely big house but because theres six of us theres never any space and it's been getting to me quite a bit. I often find the kitchen occupied and by the time its free I don't feel like cooking. Also we can't freeze stuff because we only have one measly little freezer drawer. For example this evening when I cook dinner I have to use half the amount I normally would and try make just two portions when it would be easier to make a big batch, eat some and freeze the rest. Then on those evenings when I get home tired and takeaway seems easier I'd have a ready made healthy meal in the freezer.

So long story short we're getting our own apartment and it will do wonders for us. I'll have space and a clean house and my own fridge with a big freezer etc. So over all it's been a pretty crazy few weeks and my weight is really getting me down at the moment. I'm trying to stay positive and upbeat about myself but it's hard when I cannot get down past 18 stone. I just want to see seventeen on the scales again. I know the only way this will happen is to get off my ass and go for a walk. And then eat healthy. And avoid sugar. And carbs. Simples right?

Not.

One disaster after another!

So I got home yesterday super duper super excited.

MY PHONE WAS HERE!

I was so excited.

I opened it all up, all shiny and brand new, and popped in my sim card. I turned it on and started set up and...it crashed. FOUR TIMES! And then basically everything started going wrong. I don't know why shit like this ha[[ens but it really got me down last night. I'm still pretty down about it. It was a spontaneous, luxury buy I definitely couldn't afford and it bit me right in the ass. It kept crashing and there were stupid little pixelated lines flashing randomly on the screen and most of the apps wouldn't open when I tried them. I'm actually devastated. It was one of those buys that you do it and go "Oh shiiiiit, I shouldn't have done that, but now it's done I'll just go with it" and now I'm well and truly paying for it. I'm sending it back of course. I was going to get it replaced but then the guilt set in. I know I can't afford this, I know I need the money and I know I have to send it back and get a refund. It was so close though. I held it in my hand, I took pictures with it!

And now I have to send it back and go back to my awful little ten euro phone and accept that I won't be seeing a phone like that for a long while. And it's pretty shitty. But I'm going away for a weekend in three weeks and of course i have mountains of bills coming up so I just cant afford a phone, and probably won't be able to get one any time in the near future. I checked my next upgrade, it's not until november. Huh. Depression session.

So now I'm going to return it and do the sensible thing and take the refund. I hate being sensible.

So still no camera for Caoimhey. I need a better job. Or for my furniture to start selling. Then I'd be flying.

Huuuuh. When I'm older and rich and all that, then I'll be fine, right?

I'm going to try and commandeer my mothers camera (which is awful) so we'll see where we're at in a few days but anyway. That was my shitty day yesterday.

On the positive side of things I did some hardcore pilates last night and I felt so good this morning that when I woke up I felt like, yes felt like going for a run. So I did.

A run is being seriously optimistic now, overstating to say the least!

I got up with one intention to run for five minutes or just under. I wasn't going to push myself too hard. So I set off ran for three and a half minutes which seems like nothing but it was tough. I then sprinted for like ten seconds and you know what I feel great about it! Even if it was nothing compared to other people for me it was a marathon! My chest was burning, I had a moment of going oh god maybe I'm dying but I was being dramatic.

But still a run, however short is still a run. And I'm going out horse riding this evening. More calories!!

So in short while I feel this is a bad thing (about my phone) I know that in reality it's not. I'll wait seven months for my upgrade and I'll try afford a point and shoot in the next few months! And on the fitness/health/my life going well side of things then it's all pretty good!

I'm better than I was yesterday and thats enough for me!

Bit of a hump and a bit of shame(ful)less plugging!

Good Morning!!

I'm sitting here enjoying a lovely bowl of raspberries and yogurt with a rusk crushed up in it (it sounds a bit mad but it's really good and it's vaguely cheesecakey) and watching top gear.

I'll be off to get dressed in a few so I just thought I'd do a little writing!

So first and foremost as I was saying yesterday I had a good day...until the evening. I came home and had my dinner even did a wee bit of shopping for lunches etc. and was doing well. I had three fruit servings ledt so I was going to go out and blend a banana with cocoa powder and some stevia and maybe a drop of honey to have a sort of soft serve ice cream and when I opened the press and saw...fondant. I had totally forgotten I had it. And seeing it there it just seemed so appealing. I took it out and pulled off a lump of it and long story short I ate about three hundred calories of fondant. And god knows how much sugar. I was telling myself not to do it even as I was doing it!

I went and talked to my boyfriend and hes suggested the next time I want to do something like that I should talk to him. I'll give it a try but once I've convinced myself it's hard to sway me. If my will power is a muscle then mine is just a baby muscle, a weakling, a smallie, so I guess I got to work on it!

So thats my little rant and now I wanted to shamelessly plug myself a little bit!

My boyfriend and I are currently trying to start our own little furniture buisness. I'm hoping to move into completely handmade objects sooner rather while continuing some funiture renovation also but we're starting small. We currently have 3 upcycled pieces up on etsy and I'm trying to get the word of our little company out there as much as possible so I thought here would be as good a place as any!

Our first little piece to go up was a lovely little set of decoupaged nest tables









These were our first little venture and they are currently up on our etsy shop!

The next one up was this lovely grey drop leaf table!










And then thirdly we put up a lfull length mirror my boyfriend upcycled



And in that you can see some of the little stable we work in!

And you can see a few of our other little projects!

This weekend we are going to work on that blue chair you see in the picture which we are going to turn into a swing chair!I'm very excited about that!Might do a little decoupaging on it I'm not certain yet yo be honest!It's just at priming stage now!

We're also going to finish up a big project we're doing!It's this beautiful writing desk that we picked up recently and we decided to go with simple and classic! It was originally mahogany and we've decided to go with plain white and black blackboard paint on the drawers and even if I do say so myself it looks great!

So hoping to get the last coat of paint and a lick of varnish on it this weekend!Expect photos soon!

Recipe of the Week: Breakfast

So last week I mentioned I was getting a new phone, hopefully on friday and that after that my blog would be pictureful and lovely, however my phone did not arrive yet. Twice I thought it was here, first on the Friday I expected it. My boyfriend met me for lunch as he does every friday and I asked him about it (you have to understand I was like a kid waiting at the mail box everyday) and he said oh so flippantly "oh ye actually I think it did!". Now I double and triple checked with him, "was it a box?, was it small?/round/big/did it have an aussie stamp" and Paul just said "ye, ye I think so" and I was so excited. I got home so buzzing you wouldn't believe it!

I opened the door and looked straight at the table where the post is left and my heart sank. It was quite clearly not  a phone. It was very obviously a large book and looked nothing like a phone box. I was so disappointed! It was back to the waiting game, so I got home the day before yesterday and saw a lovely little green note saying "sorry we missed you" and I rushed up yesterday morning to pick up my phone. Not. I got to the post depot and handed in my little green slip of happiness and then my face fell. Something else could have been too big to fit through the letter box. Something a lot less exciting than a phone. A lot. I was also waiting on a water bottle. I just knew in that instant that thats what I was waiting for and lo and behold when the guy came back, voila, water bottle. Big fricken woop!

So long story short, I'm still here waiting for my phoneyoneyo and I still have no camera. So this morning when I went to make my breakfast this morning and decided to do the peach parafait my way this morning and I actually thought first it had been a disaster. Turns out it was delicious!

So I'll begin with the place I found this from. I found it over at Dalias Kitchen and boy am I glad! I feel like I will be putting this in my "Saturday morning breakfast" repertoire! I think next time though I'll leave out the soya cream and through in skimmed milk just to knock off a few cals but by god was it worth it this morning. It.was.delissio!

I subbed mango for peaches and I used one tablespoon of honey and then I replaced the rest with Candrel. As I said this is the only chemically thing I agree to use and I'm trying to find a better option thats a little less chemical but this one doesn't leave much of a taste! But anyway i followed the recipe otherwise and the first thing I'd say is that with the mango the morning when your rushing for work is not the best time to chop it so if I was to do this again I'd chop my fruit the day before and I was also considering using some rasberries as another layer!Raspberry and mango? Yes please!

So anyway it took some time and I ended up throwing it into a to go cup. Now my parafait definitely didn't look like Dalia's my mango was a lot thinner and not solid enough to hold a layer of porridge so they blended together fairly rapidly. So I tried it when it was hot, before I ran out the door and my face scrunched up! It was so chemically and awful tasting and I thought immediately goddamn it was sucha mistake to use the candrel. I had no other option but to bring it with work with me cause I had no food otherwise!. So I threw the rest into the fridge and packed my unsuccessful meal into my bag. So I got down and sat at my desk and opened the lid of my lunch pot and took the first spoon and was blown away! It had cooled down and had lost the chemical taste and when I tried all three together, the yogurt, fruit and oatmeal it was like a taste explosion in my mouth. It was so good! I savoured every mouthful! I will be having this again!

Massive props to Dalia's Kitchen again for the deliciously decadent breakfast!

P.S I just received word that my phone is here, this time I'm fairly vertain it is for real here! I can't think of anything Else it could be so hopefully my snap happy journey will start tonight!

Recipe of the week: Lunch

So I did one of the recipes way sooner than I thought I would. I got home and realised I hadn't left out meat for dinner and that my dear boyfriend had gone off and gotten subway so he wasn't eating!

I wasn't feeling like a dinner to be honest so I decided to give the Cauliflower crust toasties a try. Of course as is typical of me I forgot to charge my camera and could not find the charger and had made them by the time I realised I hadn't so long story short no pics.

It won't always be like this I'm afraid you'll have to take my word for it today but I really, really, really did make them! I swear!

Anyway I'm going to go ahead and give my little review.

First, the instructions were super clear and easy to follow. To put it shortly there was no bullshit about the recipe. However the process itself was a bit time consuming. My blender wasn't great and it took a while to make the cauliflower rice. I then had the surreal expierience of pouring food from a bowl onto a tea towel. I won't lie, I felt wierd. And I looked wierd and I really didn't want to explain to my housemates when they asked what the hell I was doing!

I pushed passed my thoughts that were screaming "This is not normal!You don't put food in your tea towel and then EAT it!" and I squished as much water as possible out of my cauliflower.

Now maybe you're supposed to leave it cool down first or something because I damn near got third degree burns trying to squish the water out and without gloves, opted for wrapping another tea towel around my hand and then I squished away!

I was supposed to get around a cup of water from the rice but I only got around 3/4s of a cup, probably a bit less and the mext time I'd try squish a bit harder. My "bread" wasn't soggy like I feared but I wouldn't have minded it a tiny bit crispier.

So I squished and squished then I mixed in the other things and started to form my "slices of bread" on the tray and I popped them into the oven quite convinced these were not going to work!

Anyway fifteen minutes late I took out some thngs that to my surprise actually looked quite like they were supposed to!

I used a spatula to peel them up in case they were soggy but they held up and then I buttered the less crispy side and threw in some cheese. I also buttered the outside and then I threw them onto the pan.

5 mins later they looked just like the picture from the blog!



I cut them in half and threw them on a plate and asked my boyfriend to trust me and just eat (he's not very adventurous!). One was a little more blac and it turned out that was actually nicer but it's a learning curve!

They were actually quite delish! Now I defintely wouldn't claim that you wouldn't be able to tell the difference! I mean you'd definitely know it wasn't bread and I can forsee some people having a problem with the texture...it's unusual but I definitely would try it again! Maybe a bit more salt the next time but aside from that they even got the Boyfriend Seal Of Approval.

So I'm sufficiently happy! Honestly it's a weekend thing cause it does take a bit of time but I will definitely be trying cauliflower crust pizza! So thumbs up!

#100happydayschallenge

So I've decided to do the #100happydayschallenge whereby I post a picture of something, anything that makes me happy every day for 100 days!

And it's that simple!

I'm also going to tie it in with #100DaysofFitness challenge where I will work out for a half an hour every day for 100 days!Even if it's just a walk or anything like that!

So day one will start tomorrow!

Recipes of Interest.

I'm sure I, as someone who loves food and yet wants to lose weight, am not alone in looking up millions of recipes I hope I can squish into my daily diet in order to make it a bit less dull.

I am not necessarily the worlds greatest baker/cook but I love doing it and I love trying new things! 

I have pinterest boards dedicated to food and I am a regular trawler of foodgawker(great website for foodies out there!) and I find that a lot of the time "Healthy" recipes are either super super complicated or have ingredients that are difficult to find in Ireland with out going to a health store and spending €10 for a small packet of something or other.

Now I also am not a fan of all these things that people use that are apparently healthy and then I find the recipe is full of "such and such an extract" or xanthos gum or other things that I cannot pronounce and have no interest in. I just don't trust these things. They may or may not be beneficial for your health but honestly I have no idea, and honestly I am not going to go to the time or effort of locating these (often expensive) things when I am not interested in gluten free or vegan or any of those things. I simply want good food thats low calorie and either low sugar or sugar free. The only thing I give in and use is stevia and stevia products. Honestly even these I am wary about. I would like to do a bit more research into finding a good one thats as natural as possible because frankly the thought of all those chemicals scare me!

So if I look at a recipe and its fairly free of all those things that sound like they would be in a science lab and it has sugar I just sub in a stevia product and I'm ready to go, with it being low enough calories obviously!

So this week I'm planning on trying a few new recipes. I'm going to go ahead and pick a breakfast, snack, lunch and dinner from the web this week and in my amateur kitchen try them out and see how well or horrendously they turn out!

So first and foremost, Breakfast:

 I love breakfast time, I love something nice and wholesome and  interesting for my brekkie and my meals usually center around fruit and maybe some carbs and almost always yogurt. So I found a lovely parfait that just sounds yummy so I'm going to paste the original blog and recipe and then I'm going to make my own substitutions.

Found on Dalia's Kitchen http://www.daliaskitchen.com/2014/05/how-it-all-started-and-maple-apricot.html

It looks beautiful doesn't it?

I want it now. Like right now.

I'm seriously hungry looking at it! 

Now the recipe calls for whole milk and for peaces! I am going to make the substitution of unsweetened Almond milk purely because I like it and also mango instead of peaches purely because I love mangos and they were 39 c for one in Dunnes!

Now I'm also going to omit the toasted almonds also but that is just personal preferrence. I think I might also add some linseed because it's good for you!

I think I'll make this one tomorrow morning and I'll snap a few pics and post how it turned out tomorrow!

Lunch:

I love my carbs and there is nothing better than a good old grilled cheese toastie. However unfortunately for me I only have to so much as look at a sliced pan and I pile on six million pounds. Obviously not literally but the moral of the story is I avoid carbs as much as possible (or at least I try) and I have been very interested in cauliflower crust pizzas and other cauliflower subbing for bad nasty bread!

However up until now I've been put off each recipe I've looked at for one reason or another, until the day before yesterday when I found a recipe for toasted cheesy's over on The Iron You. The pictures looked nothing short of incredible.



Doesn't that look melt in your mouth delicious?

Naturally being a cheese toasty fan I immediately stuck this on the list of recipes I want to try.
I'm not going to make any subs to this, I am going to follow it step by beautiful step and aside from the fact I might sneak in a bacon medallion just 'cos!

Here's the link to the original (ingenious) recipe over at The Iron You, Grilled Cheese Toasty

Dinner

Myself and Paul are exceptionally fond of take out, who isn't? Chinese would be a favorite, closely following Pizza, (stay tuned for cauliflower pizza) and I love to try make take out dishes at home and a bit healthier. So when I stuck this original recipe into my fitness pal (the original is from Iowa Girl Eats) it was still a bit too heavy on calories for me! I made my own substitutions for example I won't be using vegetable oil but low cal cooking spray, I also have a little less chicken because I eat smaller portions than the original recipe. Paul will have a regular sized portion of chicken but admittedly it is skimming a few extra cals off this recipe.

Oops...I forgot to say what the recipe was...I'll be cooking Sesame Chicken!

And here's what it will (hopefully) look like!



So as I said I'm making some subs and omissions to make it lower calorie for example I will not be using as much honey. Unfortunately even with the cutting of the honey this is still very high in sugar but for a treat once a week I won't die!

So now with breakfast, lunch and dinner covered I'll move onto the snack. now I have two snacks a day, one at 11 which is generally savory and one smaller one, under about 150 cals in the evening. That one tends to be sweet. Now on work days they're all fairly standard, average things (although I might be having my cheese toasty tomorrow, we'll see!) so on weekends I like to go big or go home as they say here!

So I found these tasty treats on Girl Who Bakes and I am dying to try them!



I will definitely be trying these on Saturday morning! I really look forward to trying them and I'm also going to attempt to make a chocolate sauce from Soya cream to add to these!

I want it to be Saturday now god damn it!

Anyway after that exceptionally long entry I am going to take my leave! I will be posting as I try each recipe and will let everyone know what subs I made, how they were in comparison to their full caloried counterparts etc.

Excited to try all these now!

Regular day in the life of my diet

Breakfast
120 grams of low fat yogurt
2 rusks
Cup of green tea

Snack
blaa (for those who don't live in Ireland thats a kind of floury bap) with 2 sausages.
(I normally wouldn't eat this for snack but I was super hungry cause I normally have a bigger breakfast)

Lunch
Chicken and stuffing sandwich
Butternut Squash Soup

Snack
Apple
2 rusks

Dinner
60 grams steak burger
30 grams of mozzerella
Brocolli
1/2 cup carrots
1/2 cup of peas.

evening snack: apple

totals for the day:
1 serving out of 2 dairy
3 out of four carbs
5 out of six protein
3 out of 3 restricted veg
1 free veg(brocolli)
1 out of five fruits
2 litres of Water

Over all today it was ok.
The snack of a blaa is too much calorie wise but I was starving as i had gotten up late and didn't have time for a proper breakfast. I also need to inject more fruit in tomorrow, which was also due to the lack of food in our presses so tomorrow I'll try squish in my regular fruit intake. But yeah all in all quite a good day. Still abit too carb focused but I can work on that!

What a weekend!

Well it's been...a weekend. To say the least. A good, but eventful weekend! And so long. I slept it out this morning which I never do. Ever. I also woke up at..oh around five o'clcok this morning, having had an awful nightmare and then my ear popped and has yet to unpop. Not that best start to a week!

The cherry on top of the cake? I decided that I would weigh myself a day early. Always a bad idea but honestly I knew what the results were going to be. In fact as I waited for the little dots that signfy my scales is thinking/weighing me to countdown I guessed my weight in my head to within 3/4s of a pound. "18 stone 11" I thought. Well add the 3/4's and I'm almost back to my starting weight. Again.

Now this weekend I had two parties and a lot of alcohol. A lot. I also had two slices of cake and a burger and a lot of chicken. Now I know that it's not about the bad meal. It was the drink. I know. and then I spent Sunday carb loading and now I'm up three pounds. And I looked at the scales and thought "Why?Why do I sabotage myself?" I got through two weeks of good eating and two weeks of bad to undo all the good.

And add another month onto my life as an 18 stoner.

I know what to do to loose the weight but for some reason I just can't keep it up. Some reason, probably that I'm lazy, I cannot commit to things and I am quite self pitying. I spend nintey per cent of my time thinking about how it sucks that I can't eat like everyone else/my boyfriend/my sister and wondering why me? Why can't I eat what I want/drink what I want etc.

The reality of it is that yes I cannot eat sweet things as much as I want etc but if I can stick with this and work in exercise to my daily routine and healthy eating into my lifestyle.

I need to learn discipline. I need to learn that I can eat well six out of seven days and then have a slice of cake if I want on the seventh and that that slice of cake cannot send me into a spiral of sugar. And I need to realise the benefits of my healthy lifestyle over the lifestyles of my boyfriend and sister and best friends who are tiny. At some point most people have to start looking after themselves better. I just got there a little earlier.

I know there are massive benefits. For example I don't like how I am right now. There's a reason I am this way so change it. The problem is that it's hard work, it's not instantaneous. If someone walked in now and said I can make you your ideal weight right this instance there is only one condition, you can never eat chocolate again. I wouldn't even bat an eyelid I'd be on that so fast. And realistically that's not even what I have to do. I just have to give it up some of the time and wait for results.

what are the pros?

1. I will lose weight.
2. When that happens I will feel good about myself.
3. I will be healthy
4. I will be fit.
5. I will not feel like I'm going to crush my boyfriend if I sit on his lap.
6. I can shop where ever the hell I want.
7. I will live to see my kids(that I have not had yet) graduate and get married.
8. I will have more energy to play with said kids when the time comes..
9. I will be more organised and together because I will feel good and in controll.
10. I will be happier
11. I can wear a bikini.
12. I can do everything with more ease and grace(something I am not renowned for)
13. I can take up a sport again.
14. I will look good effortlessly because I won't wear frumpy cardigans to hide my arms.
15. I can sunbathe(within reason, I don't want to end up with skin cancer)
16. I will be able to run, fast, without breaking a sweat.
17. I will be able to keep up with my little brother when we're playing.
18. I will feel comfortable in my skin.
19. I will fit into the seats at the theatre/the cinema/the bus/the airoplane/many others comfortably.
20. I will be able to cross my legs without ending up sitting there with my knee almost touching my face

And there's twenty...shall I continue? And continue i could. I could make lists of pros for days.

The cons of loosing weight I hear you cry?

1. I can't eat whatever I want whenever I want.
2. .............yeah thats about it.

So it should be obvious and simple right?

Right?

.....I think at this point there is no option for me. It's about time, or rather well past time that I realised that I either eat myself skinny or I eat myself into an early grave. 

And on that morbid note I will end.

Until next time.

Hungover and...hungover...

So last night as I mentioned we were going to a 1920s party! So I'm going to post my first photo!

Woooooo!!!!!

I have to say I felt a million dollars last night!!I really felt awesome!I think the 20s was my era!And that handsome devil beside me is my wonderful boyfriend!

We had a great night! The party itself was fun but then myself and my better half headed off and went dancing to terribly cheesy music in of the nightclubs in our area! We got home laughing and unfortunately with....a chicken wrap and chips...dun dun dun...However I'm not too upset! It wasn't great but look one bad meal won't make or break your diet just like one healthy meal does not a healthy diet make!

I had lots and lots of fun, we looked Fabulous! And something I'm quite happy to admit, I felt sexy and was brimming with confidence and I think despite a little downfall I'm going to console myself and say I danced off at least some of the calories!

And another photo for bonuses..

 

habits newly formed

So I'm taking a leaf out of people all around the internets books and I'm going to try and do my own little version.

I need things to be easy or I get disheartened. (a.k.a known as I'm a quitter!) I've tried running and I've done quite well with it, at one point I was running 6k and I was super proud of myself but for hundreds of reasons to tired and boring to write down here I gave up!

When I see tall, lean girls obviously bursting with power sprinting on the beach loving their bodies I get so jealous. I know what it felt like when I finished that first six k with a sprint and felt alive and awesome and then I stopped soon after.

I told myself a million things but the truth is I want to be a person who runs!

I want to be fit and flexible. And I think that a combination of Pilates and running will help me achieve the body and level of fitness I crave.

And I'm going to ease myself into it initially.

So heres my little plan...I will set up two or three small goals for the week, each week and complete them and nothing more. I tend to start, feel a bit stronger and push to hard and start to hate the stuff.

So here we go!

now technically it's the end of a week and i also have my weigh in days on tuesday so I think Monday and Tues are the days I'll pick. Now until then I'm going to give myself a leg up and start today and then officially start on Monday!

Week 1
5 x 5 x 5 x 5 

• 5 sit up/ab exercises
• 5 press ups
• 5 minutes jogging/running (intervals to begin with)
• 5 minutes Pilates

I'm also going to include 5 minutes of stretching and five minutes of cooldown too.

I can easily fit these into my daily routine(which is my main excuse for skipping out) and for this wekk this is all I'm going to do. Just ease myself into it!

To hold myself accountable I'm going to check in everyday I'm doing it (I'm going to do six days, rest on sunday) I might cut it back to five when I start reaching higher levels of things and what not but as it stands that really is a doddle so I can't justify cutting it any more!

So I'm hoping that in twelve or thirteen weeks time I'll be doing quite well fitness wise!
I hope!

I'm getting into the habit of this!

So theres a little few things i want to gush about in this post, I can't say for sure this will even be the last one today!I'm really enjoying doing this now that I've gotten into the habit of it!

First and foremost something I've been super excited about and anticipating all week is about to happen tomorrow(I hope) and while everyone has been saying "don't do it" to me I'd like to state to all the Windows phone haters out there that unlike, it seems everyone else, I love Windows 8 on a phone!!

I was due an upgrade there about a year ago and I dislike android phones. Now I know obviously theres way more apps etc. but I suppose that's not so important to me! I just don't like the interface on samsung phones, or sony phones, or really any of them! I just don't think they look pretty! And honestly I couldn't bring myself to give in and buy an Iphone. I also have an ipod...so I gave in a wee bit whatevs...so anything I want on appstore I can get on that!Honestly I don't even have any apps on my ipod anyway!I lose it half the time and it's dead most of the other half!

So anyway long story short, I had this upgrade and I went in one day, hungover off my head, and I am notorious for making snap, rash and often terrible ideas when I'm hungover. So I went in and was browsing not really knowing what I wanted and I saw something pretty. A bright blue phone, with beautiful lines and a big petty screen and i was drawn to it. So I read the specs, 8mp camera (I like photography and this was good for a phone, at the time, I know now that you can get way better cameras on phones) and (I may have been swayed by the name here) Dre Beats audio and really it was just so dammmmmn purdy and in my hungover state I wanted it!. So I called the shop assistant and asked her how much it was with my upgrade(turns out it was free) and was shocked when she said "I'll check for you but I really wouldn't get that phone, nobody likes it!". Imagine a shop assistant slamming a product like that? Honestly I should have rethought my choice then but on this occasion I am so very glad I didn't.

I asked her why and when her reply was that she was an apple girl not a windows head I shrugged, said I hated apple and signed on the dotted line, I walked away with my shiny new HTC 8X and I never regretted it.

I turned it on and saw the beautiful interface and I fell in love.

Instantly.

And I never fell out of love. Sure there are fewer apps but it's so pretty pretty pretty and apps don't bother me too much.

And the camera rocks and it was just wonderful owning my baby.

And then something terrible happened. I drop my phone on a regular basis and my poor oul phone couldn't take that one last drop. I dropped it directly onto the edge of a curb and it cracked right along the screen.

I genuinely mourned it and I still get upset when I think about it(I'm a giant nerd I know) and so when I went to get it repaired and they told me it would cost 270 euros to fix my screen I died inside a little bit. I couldn't afford that. So I went on the hunt and researched windows phones of the moment. I eventually settled on the Nokia Lumia 920 and I found one online for 200 squidoles and I pulled the trigger. And it's going to be here tomorrow!!!!!!

I am so EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel like a kid on christmas. I'm not sure I'll sleep tonight!

But anyway my point is that seeing as my poor old point and shoot gave up the ghost recently and my phone of the moment is a nokia prehistoric and I keep saving for the dslr I will one day own but life is expensive, I currently don't have any camera (except for a poloroid) in my life at the moment and it's killing me little by little. Anyhoo my point is expect photos from tomorrow on!

For example the other thing I'm excited about is I got a new haircut yesterday! I'd like to share it! I didn't change it much. I got a little cut off it and a side fringe cut in but I also took my undercut up a bit higher on one side so now you can see it even when my hairs down! I think it's pretty but tomorrow I'll be able to put it up for the world(the two or three people who may see it)to see!

And I'm going to a 1920's party tomorrow night so that too will be fun!

I might post my make up before we go!

And I get to wear a pretty dress which is always good!

  I will try my best to contain myself and not post again today.

I can't say I will suceed.

My life Plan

Wow...what an ambituous title eh?

I honestly try to pretend I don't have a plan because then if I don't have one it can't get messed up on me right?

But secretly like everyone I imagine the direction I'd like my life to go!

I'd like to stay with Paul, get maried and have a few childers and set up a cosy, comfy home in the country.

I'd like to get fit enough to be able to do handstands and curl up like a pretzel and be able to run five miles without batting an eyelid.

I'd like to get my montessori qualification and teaching some smallies some interesting things!

And my pet dream?My secret, I don't think it can ever happen dream?I would love to make my living off making, upcycling and renovating furniture.

And I've taken steps towards my dream. I'm just leaving it linger up there with all my other dreams I'll incubate but never try.

A couple of weeks ago, well more than a month ago now I decided to do up a few pieces of charity shop furniture that I bought for my kitchen and loved it. Of course I had a large amount of paint left and everyone was raving about the furniture saying I should do it and I stumbled upon a beautiful wooden writing desk that someone was selling because they were emigrating. I offered them an obscenely low amount of money(because I'm poor you understand) and I was lucky enough to have my offer accepted with one stipulation. It had to be collected that evening.

My car is only a little mazda 2 and while it is a beast of a little thing that has fold down seats it's also not the biggest car and I was worried that it wouldn't fit in that back of my little mazzie but regardless, at nine o clock at night me and Paul left waterford to drive to wexford and hope and pray that this desk fit when we got there!

It was exciting!It might not seem it now but it was we were midnight driving, putting in the miles to show our comittment to our new idea.

Fast forward a couple of months, we have now found a little studio(an old stable at my home house) and we've bought lots of little odds and ends of furniture that are in various states of paintedness.

Last week we hit a little milestone and put our first piece up!

I was super excited the first day and I feel like it will be better when I put up other pieces and theres less focus on one little set of nest tables, but it's so scary. I'm technically "the Talent" and I'm not being cocky here, I am the ideas person and Paul is the buissnessy ends of things. We both put in the grunt work and Paul is starting to pitch in a few ideas of his own, but I still feel that all the pressure is on my ideas to sell.

I have developed a tick at this stage. I open any internet browser and automatically type "mail.yahoo.co.uk" and I hold my breath, hoping theres and offer. And there  isn;t. An I know, it's only been up a while and I should calm down but I'm neurotic.

I'm trying to reign in my wild ideas that are screaming "Your ideas are terrible, no one likes it and you should just knock the price to 30 and sell it!" but instead I'm thinking calm down. You'll never know until to you try but goddamn it's scary!!

So I'm going to sign off here and (probably go check my mailbox) try make myself understand that sucess doesn't happen over night and as is the same with my weight it's just one foot in front of the other every day!

(and in case anyone wants to have a look heres our first piece soon to be followed by many others!)
https://www.etsy.com/ie/listing/189224998/hand-painted-decoupauged-table?

In summary today has been quite terribel food wise.

I would say I have consumed a little over 2000 calories.

The only thing thats in my advantage is that none of these meals/snacks contained sugar and alot of it was fruit or protein however over is over so I'm going to snap my little socks up and make sure that tomorrow I stick to my servings like a good girl!

Onwards and upwards!!

I got home yesterday evening and pottered off to the shop and got some deliciopus, healthiful food so now I'm all stocked up and prepared and ready to go!

The next thing I'm going to need to focus on is my excercise (huuuuuuhhhhhhhh). I am PUMPPPPED!!

Well I'm trying to be....I used to be very good for getting up and going but when I started the last time the diet worked so well I kind of let the exercise thing slip. It's pretty hard to tell yourself that you need to work out when you're regularly loosing six or seven pounds but thats what was missing from my diet. 

My boyfriend said something yesterday about how he was looking forward to seeing me skinny and I said "Ye, me too!" and he said "You were though?" now of course as I am really critical of myself I probably was alot skinnier than I thought at the time but I still saw myself as the same person. Now when I look back at pictures I notice the difference but I didn't then.

And the main reason was that my body might have been smaller but it was no more toned. I wasn't working out so while my body was shrinking it wasn't tightening up any.

So as I mentioned I do love pilates and I just bought Pilates for Dummies and I'm going to pick up a few dvds...I know there are work out videos there online etc but I just find it hard to keep finding the same one and not get distracted by others and therefore I don't stick with them.

Also while I'm obviously happy to have lost several pounds quickly I don't think it's healthy or maintainable so I'm going to up my servings by one again and just start walking a bit more and doing my pilates and aim for two pounds a week!

And I am going to say goodbye to this booty forever...well not all of it!

Paul also said something else to me last night while we were chatting. I was talking about how when I was down to fourteen stone I was still taking size 16 jeans because I've got a rather sizeable derriere and that that was why I wanted to focus on exercise so that my body shape would change as well as my body size. Then he turned around and said "I think around that weight would be perfect for you" and I was shocked. I always had in my head about how guys want this tiny little stick thin girl etc. and while that wouldn't influence my decisions and stuff I assumed Paul was a verified member of the "Thigh Gap club". Now personally at 5ft 10 I alwaya felt that if I got down to the recommended weight for my height which is around 12 stone 5 that I would look like a clothes hanger with some skin on it. I am not only tall but I have rather broad sholders and as I said good baby making hips and a big oul booty. I never aimed to get down to 12 stone.

My perfect weight I think would be around 13stone 12 to 14 stone ish. And that's my goal! I've always said if I could get to a size fourteen but be fit and toned and healthy I'd be one happy girl and while Paul would never begrudge me loosing as much as I wanted it was nice to know that he had the same ideal in his head as I did.

I'd like to point out also that Paul has always been supportive of me. He fell in love with me at this size and I believe him when he says he wouldn't care if I didn't change! Now I know there will be cynics out there who go "yeah sure thats what he says" and while yes I'm sure he wouldn't fight against me loosing weight I mean come on if he told me he was going to go workout everyday for the next year I wouldn't say no to the inevitable six pack but I am happy with him as he is. If he never changed I would love him still the same and I know thats how he feels about me too.

Fortunately for him I plan on becoming a better version of myself anyway! 

I'm going to try and make myself get in the habit of this blogging thing!

Not just on bad/good days but anyway. This is my third way in day. To get it up to scratch I'm weighing myself once a week on Tuesdays and currently my cameras broken but I plan to follow with pictures once a week so I can see my progress which I think I need.

Anyway first Tuesday, I lost 7 pounds woop woop, a big loss but I have a lot to loose. Now I was just doing diet no exercise which is what happened the first time I lost weight and it didn't stick I know I'm going to have to work in healthy exercise as well as healthy eating. I love love love Pilates so I'm going to try go for a half hour walk at least three times a week and do a half hour of Pilates at least twice or three times(it's summer now Pilates in the garden Saturday morning?yes please!).

The first week I didn't incorporate any I basically reduced my diet to 1,250 cals and cut out all forms of sugar, chocolate etc. I'm also sticking to a low carb plan so that seems to be working and that was grand.

Fast forward to the next Tuesday and I'd been a little less strict and had been unprepared on a particular day to go babysitting and ended up in the peoples home without having eaten dinner and without having brought food with me. They left me a pizza. I resisted for as long as I could and tried to find something healthier but they didn't seem to have anything. I was doing a particularly long shift there from 4:30 in the evening till one in the morning and by 11ish I was starving. Not only did I give in and eat half a pizza (worth about 800 calories) I ate three chocolate bars and a cream egg.

The next day I vowed to be back on it but the floodgates (slowly) opened and I found myself giving in to little bits of sugar here and there. However when last tuesday arrived and I stepped up to the scales I found I had lost five pounds! I was delighted..almost a stone in two weeks. Of course this lulled me into a false sense of security. I could eat a bit more surely and obviously the sugar wasn't so bad etc. etc. and this week went from bad to worse. On a night out I indulged in half of a large takeaway pizza, I also gave into to chinese one night and due to a very hectic week I have still not managed to get my shopping in and we are down to some bare ass looking cupboards right now. yesterday evening I got home from work at 10 to six and scoffed a bagel before I ran to a neighbors to tutor their kid for an hour got home at seven and had to leave again for eight o clock(every days not usually this insane, just mondays and tuesdays) and looked in the fridge to realise we had nothing. Well thats a lie we actually had cheese. But that was that. I didn't have time to shop, I hand't left out meat to defrost and I was starving. What was easy, cheap and cheerful? The chipper up the road. I had been guiltily snacking on sweet stuff here and there all week, I had had three, count em, three takeaways and I was not optimistic today as I stepped on the scale.

And I got what I expected and then some. I thought maybe I'd be the same, maybe I'd be up a pound or so. No. I was up four. I am currently back up to 18 stone 9 pounds. God that was depressing. My boyfriend immediately came over and hugged me and said "day by day baby" and asked did I know where I'd gone wrong, which I did. Honestly normally something like this would make me depressed for the day but he talked me around. He told me what I already knew but I do like to wallow sometimes. He told me that I knew where I'd gone wrong I knew what to do to be back down the four next week, that this was a minor speed bump in my long journey and they were bound to happen. He was the voice of reason I always try to ignore when I want to feel sorry for myself. And after five minutes of hugging and him saying these things out loud I felt buoyed. So thats it. Sugars gone again. For longer than a week and a half this time. and even if I end up doing my shopping at one in the morning I cannot let our presses go unstocked again because the temptation of takeaway when your starving and strapped for time is just too strong.

Day 3,4,5,6 I'm not sure how many really! And the lovely realization that I'm not doing this alone.

So I've cleared my first major hurdle.

Weekends.

They never cease to be my downfall....except well this weekend...they did.

Weekends are so difficult for me. Weekends and evenings really. Basically any time I'm at home for long periods of time.

Normal Friday evenings consist of my leaving work with great intentions, getting home and flopping on the couch and watching my intentions up and leave, running out the door throwing a pizza delivery menu on the table as they fly by me.

It was so easy to give in. And then afterwards I would stew in my feelings of guilt and regret wondering was I just going to look and feel like this forever. It was so hard to resist this weekend but my god did I feel incredible after it. And what was even better was my boyfriend noticing the "little things" and congratulating me for them.

When I lost weight the first time I was determined and I did almost get there, for a time and I did it without the support of my family. They thought they were supporting and my dad tried really hard but there's too much history there and the tempers continued (when I say "the" I mean "mine") to flair. The subject was just too touchy. As for the other family members...well my sister insisted on eating all of my own food that I bought specifically and my mothers suddenly started offering me sweets left right and center, a saboteur to the bone.

Everything is different this time around. I don't live at home for one so my food is my food and also my boyfriend wants whats best for me and unlike my dad there's no touchy subjects there. I feel completely supported and he was incredible this weekend.

On Saturday night we had a few *ahem ahem* drinks with friends and had a great night and wandered home quite late. Now I know technically, I shouldn't be drinking if possible but I had to give myself something. So anyway I woke up Sunday nursing a lovely hangover and nursing some not so lovely cravings for a great dirty cheeseburger. After collecting our thoughts and meeting up with friends for a bit Paul begged to be brought to Mc D's for a greasy double cheesy, exactly what I was craving. I agreed and steeled myself the whole way there. I was starving. We had gone to a friends to recover for a bit and I planned being home earlier so I hadn't brought food with me. I resisted the girls attempts to fill me with toast and sandwiches and then sat in the car with my stomach growling teetering between excuses to eat a burger and the imminent guilty feelings I knew to expect if I gave in.

Technically my diet allowed for a burger every now and then. It would have meant going carbfree for the rest of the day but I could do that!And I mean a burger is protein right?Just one last time! I battled all these thoughts the whole way down until the voice I acquire with this diet said "Seriously are you going to put that shitty, processed crap into your system?" and I answered quite simply "no". So I pulled up and I ordered 2 Double cheeseburgers for my greedy worm boyfriend (who is a healthy weight for his height and can afford the odd burger) and a coke for him and...nothing for myself. The instant I did it I felt a swell of pride. This was only bolstered by my boyfriends shocked response. I did not expect any congrats or pats on the back. I'm used to this being my own personal battle, as it should be, and was shocked when my boyfriend asked "Did you just drive through the drive through and not order anything for yourself?" which I had of course. What left his mouth next was something I hadn't really heard before. "Baby I'm so proud of you!". It felt so good to hear. He knew I could have had a burger without any pounds piling on but he was proud of me for not eating the  bad stuff and he acknowledged how hard it must have been for me to do it. I was glowing after it. Not only did I feel proud and in control myself, my boyfriend was showing he actually understood what I was going through.

The icing on the cake was when he turned to me last night as we recuperated on the couch and said "congratulations you did it!" I wasn't sure what I had "done" until I asked to which he replied "you got through the whole weekend and stuck to your diet" for the second time that day he surprised me and I'm sure he will continue to as long as we're together and I went to sleep last night knowing that I could do it this time because I had his support. Real, unbiased, loving support from someone who doesn't care if I loose weight, stay the same or gain a few more pounds as long as I am happy.

I finally have someone who loves me just they way I am no if's or buts and I think that is the difference between my success and failure. I guess I will have to get used to the fact that I am not on my own any more!!

Day 2

So I started today proper proper with a lovely bowl of fruit and it's been a great day so far.

I forgot how good this diet made me feel straight away. It's not even just physically. Honestly I am crashing after only two days without sugar and I am just so tired and stuff that it would be great to quit but mentally the way I feel is worth it all ready. I am looking forward to my weigh in next monday. Looking forward. Happy, excited, all the other adjectives to describe something that is good and imminent.

I cannot wait to step on the scales and see the results. I cannot wait to tell my boyfriend and see his happy face. And it is the best feeling in the world knowing I'll step on and see a difference. It might be a pound or two or it might be more but I know for certain I will be a little lighter and thats all that matters.

The main thing I find with this diet and the most important thing is that I  suddenly and inexplicably have iron will power. The exact same thing happened the last time and lasted until my little mental breakdown which I feel is less likely to happen this time. Hopefully. It is mainly, I think, because my body is getting the good stuff it needs and I also am not feeling like I am missing out on anything. Except the sugar of course. 

I'm not going to lie, things, like the cookies in the lunch room, still look good, however I just know it's not worth it. Not worth starting my sugar detox all over again. Not worth seeing another pound on that scale.

Today I feel like I can conquer anything. I feel like you could put a mountain of chocolate caramel covered pancakes and tell me I could eat the whole lot and I'd just say no, thanks I'll stick with my fruit!

So all is good in my world today!

Until tomorrow!

Beginning again. Again.

Again Again.

This time last year I was four stone lighter and in a very bad place in my life.

I have never been a small girl. Ever. I am not only tall at 5 ft 10 but I am also very overweight at the moment and always have been!

It took a long, long, long long time for me to come to terms with my "bod-ay" and at 23 I feel I am only beginning to fit it and I'm sure it will change again and I'll have re-learn to love it but I'm certainly better off now than I was a year ago even though I am now 18 stone again!

I started my weight loss journey when I was about twelve and I realized I wasn't like all the other girls!

Now I don't mean I started dieting then but that was when my battle with food began and I will battle my whole life with it in some way or another I fear. But I've come to terms with this.

About a year and a half ago maybe two years actually, I decided I couldn't do it any more and on a whim contacted a local weight loss clinic.

I sat in my first consultation and I felt so full of hope and when I started my programme and the weight started to fall off.

I was so buoyed and happy. I lost weight, I gained energy and confidence and I had never felt better about myself. Until something dawned on me. Loosing weight didn't solve all my problems.

My whole life I thought all my problems stemmed from one thing, being fat. I lost weight and I realised I would still have the same problems when I was thin I would just have removed a few. Now of course I can see that eliminating even one problem is worth it and then when the weight is under control I can focus on the others.

I lost and lost until this sad fact hit me, my weight wasn't the root of all problems and I just hit a road block. I didn't loose any weight, I began eating badly again, I fell in with a bad group of people and eventually turned to bulimia in order to maintain my weight.

My life was quickly spiraling out of control and I had never been so unhappy. however I was one of the lucky ones. I had two people who I now owe my life too and I am not over dramatizing this. I have no doubt that if I had kept going the way I was going I probably wouldn't be here today and if I was I would have been a very sick person.

Two of these people are my best friends and the other is my wonderful boyfriend.

I had friends who were brave enough to shake me out of my spiral and tell me in no uncertain terms that they loved me too much to watch me destroy myself like this.

If it wasn't for them things could have taken a much more sinister turn.

The third person, my boyfriend, is my inspiration to begin again!

I've known him for a long time but only gave him the chance to show how wonderful he is a few months ago, nine months since sunday actually.

He is the most special person I've ever met and he supports me one hundred per cent, fat or skinny he loves me and  that is something I never understood before. He's in it for me and he wants all of me.

Between wonderful friends and the most incredible boyfriend I could ever have wished for I am a very different person to the one I was this time last year.

One thing has not changed, I am still unhappy at the weight I am purely for my own health reasons. The one thing that worked for me was the diet I was on in the clinic which was a very balanced nutritious diet that incorporated all the important food groups and which made me feel wonderful inside and out!

So today I began again...for the millionth time and hopefully the last.

I started this blog as a way to record both my weight and my feelings and probably a few recipes along the way, as I potter along!