Ups and Downs

This shit is tough.

No like unbearably tough but I have bad days. Days where I cry because I get tired. Tired of watching everything  I eat and feeling guilty if I don't work out for more than two days! I know that this is mainly because of my diet and that I really need to beat myself back into a routine but it's tough.

I know excuses, excuses right? But it is. I'm at a point in my life where I never have an excess of money. I know most people don't these days but week to week it is a struggle. I only have about 25 euro a week that I can spend on food ad my boyfriend pays 25 too so we have 50 in total but that has to be for both of us and he definitely does not eat all the same stuff as I have to. So with my meager budget I do the best I can but inevitably by the end of the week we'll have a night or two without proper dinners.

I try my best every week not to let it happen but it does.

We shop normally on tuesdays so I often end up with several bad days of eating at the end and it is ruining my diet. Any weight I lose during the week I put on at the weekend.

So I'm ahead in some ways. I know my problem. I have the same routine every week. I buy food tuesday evening and I eat well and I'm good till friday and I loose weight and then saturday comes and two things happen, or three. Firstly I drink. Normally once a weekend, sometimes twice and what is affordable? Beer! so thats what? Six gazillion calories? Empty ones at that! The drinking inevitably leads to hangovers (Why I can't understand?)  and hangover leads to cravings for CARBS!!! My very best friends! Carbs and sweets! And hangovers don't exactly breed the best moods for whipping up healthy meals and going for long walks. No they lead to me eating a bag of doritos and a jar of dip and sitting on the couch all day long! Oh ye and take aways happen too. God I need to learn to avoid these pitfalls!

The next big problem is my boyfriends mother! Now don't get me wrong! I love her! She's larger than life, funny, and a great cook. We go to her house every sunday (again usually hungover) and she plies us with masses of food! She will ply us with rasher sandwixhes before our butts hit the chair and then it's "Tea? Tea? would you like some tea?No? Well some coke then! Or a glass of milk?" and then of course we have to stay for dinner. Obviously. And I say ok...just a little cause it's always so damn tempting. Of course a little in her mind is enough to feed at least four people! And if you don't eat every last bit she's convinced you hated it!

The next thing to happen is dessert "sure you'll have some won't you?Just a little!You will! and my will power on those days is just not strong enough. And she just won't let you say no! Now I can hear people already shouting "Woah!No! She's a sabeteur and evil etc etc" as people are want to do on the interweb but she's just an Irish mammy and that is the long and short of it.

So I suppose others are also thinking well if you know your problems you know how to solve them. I suppose all excuses aside I can solve them. This weekend we have my dear Paulies birthday and I'm plannig a mahoosive surprise party for him! So that means drinks and cake and other such stuff but I will try my hardest to be disciplined and to drag myself out of the hangover slump and make some damned healthy food!

I need to stop thinking of the weekend as different and to start treating it like every other day when I work my butt off.

On the upside I am feeling fairly positive but then again it is wednesday and that is always one of my high motivation days! I busted my ass off while walking to work and I sweated buckets! I was very proud of myself!

I've got a very busy evening ahead of me. However last night, after the shop, I did something I always plan on doing but never actually do. I came home, took all the veg I'd bought and chopped it all up and put it in lunch boxes and threw it in the fridge! I then prepped my lunch last night for the first time in ages and now I have a lovely quesadilla for my lunch!Woop! I feel so organized and good! And then I beat my ass in the road this morning and I'm really feeling positive.

Lets hope it lasts!

One disaster after another!

So I got home yesterday super duper super excited.

MY PHONE WAS HERE!

I was so excited.

I opened it all up, all shiny and brand new, and popped in my sim card. I turned it on and started set up and...it crashed. FOUR TIMES! And then basically everything started going wrong. I don't know why shit like this ha[[ens but it really got me down last night. I'm still pretty down about it. It was a spontaneous, luxury buy I definitely couldn't afford and it bit me right in the ass. It kept crashing and there were stupid little pixelated lines flashing randomly on the screen and most of the apps wouldn't open when I tried them. I'm actually devastated. It was one of those buys that you do it and go "Oh shiiiiit, I shouldn't have done that, but now it's done I'll just go with it" and now I'm well and truly paying for it. I'm sending it back of course. I was going to get it replaced but then the guilt set in. I know I can't afford this, I know I need the money and I know I have to send it back and get a refund. It was so close though. I held it in my hand, I took pictures with it!

And now I have to send it back and go back to my awful little ten euro phone and accept that I won't be seeing a phone like that for a long while. And it's pretty shitty. But I'm going away for a weekend in three weeks and of course i have mountains of bills coming up so I just cant afford a phone, and probably won't be able to get one any time in the near future. I checked my next upgrade, it's not until november. Huh. Depression session.

So now I'm going to return it and do the sensible thing and take the refund. I hate being sensible.

So still no camera for Caoimhey. I need a better job. Or for my furniture to start selling. Then I'd be flying.

Huuuuh. When I'm older and rich and all that, then I'll be fine, right?

I'm going to try and commandeer my mothers camera (which is awful) so we'll see where we're at in a few days but anyway. That was my shitty day yesterday.

On the positive side of things I did some hardcore pilates last night and I felt so good this morning that when I woke up I felt like, yes felt like going for a run. So I did.

A run is being seriously optimistic now, overstating to say the least!

I got up with one intention to run for five minutes or just under. I wasn't going to push myself too hard. So I set off ran for three and a half minutes which seems like nothing but it was tough. I then sprinted for like ten seconds and you know what I feel great about it! Even if it was nothing compared to other people for me it was a marathon! My chest was burning, I had a moment of going oh god maybe I'm dying but I was being dramatic.

But still a run, however short is still a run. And I'm going out horse riding this evening. More calories!!

So in short while I feel this is a bad thing (about my phone) I know that in reality it's not. I'll wait seven months for my upgrade and I'll try afford a point and shoot in the next few months! And on the fitness/health/my life going well side of things then it's all pretty good!

I'm better than I was yesterday and thats enough for me!

Regular day in the life of my diet

Breakfast
120 grams of low fat yogurt
2 rusks
Cup of green tea

Snack
blaa (for those who don't live in Ireland thats a kind of floury bap) with 2 sausages.
(I normally wouldn't eat this for snack but I was super hungry cause I normally have a bigger breakfast)

Lunch
Chicken and stuffing sandwich
Butternut Squash Soup

Snack
Apple
2 rusks

Dinner
60 grams steak burger
30 grams of mozzerella
Brocolli
1/2 cup carrots
1/2 cup of peas.

evening snack: apple

totals for the day:
1 serving out of 2 dairy
3 out of four carbs
5 out of six protein
3 out of 3 restricted veg
1 free veg(brocolli)
1 out of five fruits
2 litres of Water

Over all today it was ok.
The snack of a blaa is too much calorie wise but I was starving as i had gotten up late and didn't have time for a proper breakfast. I also need to inject more fruit in tomorrow, which was also due to the lack of food in our presses so tomorrow I'll try squish in my regular fruit intake. But yeah all in all quite a good day. Still abit too carb focused but I can work on that!

What a weekend!

Well it's been...a weekend. To say the least. A good, but eventful weekend! And so long. I slept it out this morning which I never do. Ever. I also woke up at..oh around five o'clcok this morning, having had an awful nightmare and then my ear popped and has yet to unpop. Not that best start to a week!

The cherry on top of the cake? I decided that I would weigh myself a day early. Always a bad idea but honestly I knew what the results were going to be. In fact as I waited for the little dots that signfy my scales is thinking/weighing me to countdown I guessed my weight in my head to within 3/4s of a pound. "18 stone 11" I thought. Well add the 3/4's and I'm almost back to my starting weight. Again.

Now this weekend I had two parties and a lot of alcohol. A lot. I also had two slices of cake and a burger and a lot of chicken. Now I know that it's not about the bad meal. It was the drink. I know. and then I spent Sunday carb loading and now I'm up three pounds. And I looked at the scales and thought "Why?Why do I sabotage myself?" I got through two weeks of good eating and two weeks of bad to undo all the good.

And add another month onto my life as an 18 stoner.

I know what to do to loose the weight but for some reason I just can't keep it up. Some reason, probably that I'm lazy, I cannot commit to things and I am quite self pitying. I spend nintey per cent of my time thinking about how it sucks that I can't eat like everyone else/my boyfriend/my sister and wondering why me? Why can't I eat what I want/drink what I want etc.

The reality of it is that yes I cannot eat sweet things as much as I want etc but if I can stick with this and work in exercise to my daily routine and healthy eating into my lifestyle.

I need to learn discipline. I need to learn that I can eat well six out of seven days and then have a slice of cake if I want on the seventh and that that slice of cake cannot send me into a spiral of sugar. And I need to realise the benefits of my healthy lifestyle over the lifestyles of my boyfriend and sister and best friends who are tiny. At some point most people have to start looking after themselves better. I just got there a little earlier.

I know there are massive benefits. For example I don't like how I am right now. There's a reason I am this way so change it. The problem is that it's hard work, it's not instantaneous. If someone walked in now and said I can make you your ideal weight right this instance there is only one condition, you can never eat chocolate again. I wouldn't even bat an eyelid I'd be on that so fast. And realistically that's not even what I have to do. I just have to give it up some of the time and wait for results.

what are the pros?

1. I will lose weight.
2. When that happens I will feel good about myself.
3. I will be healthy
4. I will be fit.
5. I will not feel like I'm going to crush my boyfriend if I sit on his lap.
6. I can shop where ever the hell I want.
7. I will live to see my kids(that I have not had yet) graduate and get married.
8. I will have more energy to play with said kids when the time comes..
9. I will be more organised and together because I will feel good and in controll.
10. I will be happier
11. I can wear a bikini.
12. I can do everything with more ease and grace(something I am not renowned for)
13. I can take up a sport again.
14. I will look good effortlessly because I won't wear frumpy cardigans to hide my arms.
15. I can sunbathe(within reason, I don't want to end up with skin cancer)
16. I will be able to run, fast, without breaking a sweat.
17. I will be able to keep up with my little brother when we're playing.
18. I will feel comfortable in my skin.
19. I will fit into the seats at the theatre/the cinema/the bus/the airoplane/many others comfortably.
20. I will be able to cross my legs without ending up sitting there with my knee almost touching my face

And there's twenty...shall I continue? And continue i could. I could make lists of pros for days.

The cons of loosing weight I hear you cry?

1. I can't eat whatever I want whenever I want.
2. .............yeah thats about it.

So it should be obvious and simple right?

Right?

.....I think at this point there is no option for me. It's about time, or rather well past time that I realised that I either eat myself skinny or I eat myself into an early grave. 

And on that morbid note I will end.

Until next time.