Beginning again. Again.

Again Again.

This time last year I was four stone lighter and in a very bad place in my life.

I have never been a small girl. Ever. I am not only tall at 5 ft 10 but I am also very overweight at the moment and always have been!

It took a long, long, long long time for me to come to terms with my "bod-ay" and at 23 I feel I am only beginning to fit it and I'm sure it will change again and I'll have re-learn to love it but I'm certainly better off now than I was a year ago even though I am now 18 stone again!

I started my weight loss journey when I was about twelve and I realized I wasn't like all the other girls!

Now I don't mean I started dieting then but that was when my battle with food began and I will battle my whole life with it in some way or another I fear. But I've come to terms with this.

About a year and a half ago maybe two years actually, I decided I couldn't do it any more and on a whim contacted a local weight loss clinic.

I sat in my first consultation and I felt so full of hope and when I started my programme and the weight started to fall off.

I was so buoyed and happy. I lost weight, I gained energy and confidence and I had never felt better about myself. Until something dawned on me. Loosing weight didn't solve all my problems.

My whole life I thought all my problems stemmed from one thing, being fat. I lost weight and I realised I would still have the same problems when I was thin I would just have removed a few. Now of course I can see that eliminating even one problem is worth it and then when the weight is under control I can focus on the others.

I lost and lost until this sad fact hit me, my weight wasn't the root of all problems and I just hit a road block. I didn't loose any weight, I began eating badly again, I fell in with a bad group of people and eventually turned to bulimia in order to maintain my weight.

My life was quickly spiraling out of control and I had never been so unhappy. however I was one of the lucky ones. I had two people who I now owe my life too and I am not over dramatizing this. I have no doubt that if I had kept going the way I was going I probably wouldn't be here today and if I was I would have been a very sick person.

Two of these people are my best friends and the other is my wonderful boyfriend.

I had friends who were brave enough to shake me out of my spiral and tell me in no uncertain terms that they loved me too much to watch me destroy myself like this.

If it wasn't for them things could have taken a much more sinister turn.

The third person, my boyfriend, is my inspiration to begin again!

I've known him for a long time but only gave him the chance to show how wonderful he is a few months ago, nine months since sunday actually.

He is the most special person I've ever met and he supports me one hundred per cent, fat or skinny he loves me and  that is something I never understood before. He's in it for me and he wants all of me.

Between wonderful friends and the most incredible boyfriend I could ever have wished for I am a very different person to the one I was this time last year.

One thing has not changed, I am still unhappy at the weight I am purely for my own health reasons. The one thing that worked for me was the diet I was on in the clinic which was a very balanced nutritious diet that incorporated all the important food groups and which made me feel wonderful inside and out!

So today I began again...for the millionth time and hopefully the last.

I started this blog as a way to record both my weight and my feelings and probably a few recipes along the way, as I potter along!